Summer Reflections

Some people are the kind of people who live for summer; they wear shorts as many days of the year as possible, and half their clothes have Hawaiian flowers or themes to them. They wear coral necklaces, flip-flops, and enjoy activities like beach volleyball, sun bathing, and swimming. I, am not one of those people. Twice in the year I find myself really struggling to enjoy and immerse myself in the weather of the seasons; winter, and summer. 

As a Pagan, someone who follows the Wheel of the Year, and tries to at the very least acknowledge, if not celebrate formally, all 8 days of it, including the change the seasons, you would think that by now I would have made my peace with summer and winter, the two most extreme seasons of the year. But alas, I've barely cracked the surface. I think out of the two I enjoy winter the most, because it affords me the most opportunities to stay inside, be quiet and reflective, and of course, wear the types of clothing that I am most comfortable in: pants, sweaters, wool socks (that I knit myself) and scarves. In summer, I am forced to strip away my security blanket of clothing, and bare parts of my body that normally are firmly covered up. I've never been an exhibitionist when it comes to my clothing... I prefer clean, sporty, or classic styles, and I resent showing too much skin. Chalk it up to not only years of being skinny and boney and getting teased for it, but also the deeply Catholic upbringing I had, that enforced being covered up and not showing off too much skin, and attempting to look a whore. I've never managed to shake off that feeling of being exposed when my stomach is showing, or my shorts go too high above my knee. 

But the real reason that summer and I do not get along, is that I practically wilt in the heat. The other day it got up to 30 degrees celcius outside, and so of course, indoors it was 3-4 degrees warmer. I literally spent the whole day lying in bed with the fan on me. Heat zaps my energy, my appetite, and my drive to do anything, while on the flip side, my daughter seems revived by the sun, and we have to force her to come indoors for lunch and dinner. She sets with the sun and wakes up about 8-9am the next morning, ready to do it all over again. 

My mid-summer solstice was spent moving things into my new home, and then helping my husband and mother to paint in the evening. I had no time for praying, reflecting, or anything of the sort. We were hot, tired, and sweaty by the time we went to bed, and the next day we moved officially into our new home, again, going to bed very late, and very tired, but now living in our first house bought together. Some might say that this wasn't a way of celebrating midsummer, but I disagree. I couldn't have imagined a better way to kick off the summer months than by making our official move into this new house, starting our lives again, in a slightly new location, and with new goals and responsibilities. I might not have taken time to recognize the rise of the Sun God to his fullest power, but I certainly felt his power and love in me that day. Our biggest goal and wish as a couple had come to fruition, there was nothing but gratitude for our situation that day! 

However, with the summer solstice now nearly 2 weeks behind me, my attitude towards summer has taken a dive, especially with a pregnancy complication now come to light. I have been to the hospital now 3 times with bleeding, and discovered I have a subchorionic haemorrhage, or, separating of the placenta from where it has attached to the uterus. This not only causes bleeding for me, but also severely limits the amount of blood that can get through the placenta to the fetus, thus endangering my baby's life. So far every trip has resulted in locating the heart beat, and find the baby strong and healthy, and yesterday, during yet another trip, I discovered that either the best possible thing has happened, or the start of the worst. There has been a film of blood between the placenta and uterus for a week now, preventing the reattachment of it. Yesterday I started to lose that film, and it will either herald my healing, or a miscarriage.. I have yet to find out which. In order for the placenta to reattach, that blood has to move, but sometimes the moving of that blood signifies that the placenta is coming the rest of the way off. All I can do is stay in bed rest as my doctor has ordered, and wait. 

Naturally, with my usual discomfort with the heat of the summer, this has put me more on edge than usual. I'm not allowed to do anything that can stress the baby, or my body. Which means I can't cool off in the sprinkler with my kids, I can't go swimming at the local pool or lakes, I missed out on Canada fireworks because the noise could excite or frighten the baby, and I'm not even allowed to go shopping, or to the library. Thank goodness that I have a number of unread books at home to choose from, but it's been making my week drag. The fact that none of my friends or family (other than my parents, who came to look after my kids, and be with me at the hospital yesterday) have come to visit hasn't helped my mood either. As much as I love our new house, I'm now literally trapped inside it, except for doctor's appointments, and not even anyone to come and keep me company. 

Normally, I'm a bit of a loner and a lot of an introvert, and so I can handle being by myself, but this struggle for my baby's life and health has put me on edge, and I find myself wanting to be social with the people I love, getting hugs and good vibes from them. I have a feeling most of them feel uncomfortable coming to visit at so stressful a time, they don't want to excite or interrupt me, worried they could make more active than I should be, but it's hard when you're the one playing the invalid, not to get disappointed in their absence. 

I guess this blog post has turned out to be quite a depressing one, but then again, this summer so far is turning out to be quite depressing too. Sorry if I've shifted anyone's good mood... but sometimes a girl needs to let her feelings out.. 

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