There are a lot of things this week that have been blossoming here at the old Johnson household. Least of all, is my pregnant belly:
As of today, I'm now 22 weeks, which means I'm just over half way through my gestation period of 40 weeks. However, as many of you know, this has been a rough go for me. It started with non-stop nausea for the first 15 weeks, and had me popping Diclectin, a morning sickness medication, four times a day for 11 of those weeks. At 10 weeks, I suffered a massive subchorionic haemorrhage, which basically means that the center of my placenta separated from the uterus, and so did some of the edge. It led to constant, and sometimes massive bleeding for 5 straight weeks, and ever since my haemoglobin (iron) levels have been less than desirable, and standing or walking for more than 20-30 minutes makes my blood pressure drop to unsafe levels, and I get dizzy and want to pass out.
For the past 3 weeks, I have also been suffering from sciatica, which is a constant pain coming from my sciatic nerve in my back. I now spend most of my time sitting in bed or the couch with a pillow propped on my back to relieve it, or in my comfy Ikea chair, which has just the right lumbar curve to keep me from feeling the pain. But the real kicker came mid-week last week, when my doctor called, saying my most recent ultrasound showed baby healthy and normal, but strange "lobes" growing on my placenta. They are concerned with the placement of them, that they could present a problem by limiting the blood supply to the baby through the umbilical cord, so I need to go back to ultrasound on Thursday and have them looked at more closely, and then I see my doctor about them that afternoon to hear the verdict, and find out what, if anything can be or will be done about them.
Despite all this though, I have attempted to get outside everyday for a short morning walk, and I have also been keeping busy making things for the baby. This week, we went to the Fraser River with friends for a bonfire and to let the kids run amok and get filthy. My son Andrew, as usual, was most excited about seeing everyone's dogs and throwing sticks for them:
I began, and have almost finished a quilt for the baby. I picked out a panel from the fabric store with coordinating backing fabric, and finished the edges (very badly) with bias tape. I'm now quilting around the animals by hand stitching, and it's a process I'm finding quite meditative and enjoyable. I have only to embroider around the snake, and this blanket is done:
So, when I was picking a card today from the Goddess Guidance Oracle for the week to blog about, I was pleased to see this one come up:
It was exactly the reminder I needed to stick with this pregnancy and see it through in a positive, loving manner. So much "negative" stuff has happened this pregnancy, from bleeding myself to a near-miscarriage, to back pain and strange growths, that I find it hard some days to find the drive to get out of bed and get moving. I have been working with crystals, meditations, and animal totems in an attempt to keep me positive and calm, but there are weeks when I don't win out over the frustration, the depression, and the pain. I know that tears can be healing sometimes, but I often wonder if the stress this pregnancy is causing me is being kept down to a healthy level. I'm trying my best not to worry about things I can't control (which is pretty much anything going on inside my womb), but sometimes I just can't stem the flow.
So to see this card, and know that I really do need to have patience with this process, to know that I still have 18 long weeks to ride out, so I can't let myself get stressed out now, was actually the calming force I needed. I think some people would have looked at that and groaned "oh no, 18 more weeks..." but I chose to focus on the word "blossoming," and that has a very positive connotation. Perhaps as time goes on I will blossom into this pregnancy. Perhaps it will get easier and feel more like the sacred time of transformation, creation, and personal growth that it felt like last time. Perhaps it will be challenging for me, but only so that the process will be easy as pie for the baby. Afterall, would I prefer that the baby suffer during this process, or myself? Easy answer. ME. So, with my chin finally up a bit higher, and a calmer breath flowing through my system, I am facing this week, and attempting to stay present and in the moment instead of thinking "hurry up and just GROW already."
Cynical words, yes, but sometimes, there's only so much bad news a girl can take before she has to let those emotions out... the important thing is that I've not parked myself there, in Cynical City, and stayed there. I took a detour through it, yes, but now I'm back on the highway towards Happy Town. It might be a bumpy ride there, but I know I'll get to my destination eventually.