A Tarot Reader's Daily Draw
I don't think I'm alone as a professional tarot reader, when I say that I don't like to post my own personal daily draws or tarot spreads on social media, or, if I do share images of them, I post them only for visual content, and do not discuss what the reading was about, or even that it was for myself. I'm a little cagey when it comes to discussing my emotions and mental state, or personal life, with other people I know, let alone online, where millions of strangers could read about my deepest thoughts and feelings.
I have spoken on my channel, and this blog, and even on my social media in the past about my life-long struggle with depression and anxiety. I've been diagnosed with moderate depression, and a mild to moderate generalized anxiety disorder, and I do my best to manage my mental illnesses without the use of mood-altering medications. However, even the best of us have times where we struggle to manage our lives effectively, and last year in the summer I made the decision to go on medication again for awhile. My doctor predicted that I should take the medication for 6-12 months to really stabilize me, then come gradually down over the course of a month before eliminating it altogether.
That plan got derailed in December, however, when I got a virus which built up fluid behind my right eardrum, causing it to burst after only 3 days. As you can imagine, the result was painful, and my ear ended up getting quite infected. I ended up in the emergency room, and was prescribed antibiotics in capsule form, as well as a steroid and antibiotic ear drop, and a non-narcotic painkiller, since I don't tolerate narcotics well. However, this pain killer had the potential of interacting with my SSRI, so I was told to stop taking it for a few days until the pain was able to be controlled by Tylenol and Advil. The only problem was, because I was so weak in those days, I quickly forgot about taking my medication for mood, and it wasn't until it was almost Christmas that it occurred to me that I had been off of it for a full two weeks. I asked my doctor if I should go back on it, and he agreed with me, that if things were going well so far, that it would be okay to stay off of it. It wasn't how the plan had been supposed to go, but hey, life happens, right?
The last few weeks however, I've noticed a lot of my symptoms coming back with a vengeance, especially the anxiety ones. I wasn't quite having panic attacks when I was getting really overwhelmed or stressed, but they were coming close. I tried to manage with some natural things, like St. John's Wort, breathing exercises, and meditation, but it wasn't enough. I started playing the delay game over the last month or so though, dreading the side effects of extreme fatigue and shaking hands that I got for the first week when I went on the medication to begin with, and I kept putting off the conversation with my friends and loved ones who I turn to for support. It was finally when a dear friend last week mentioned something about how she noticed that I seemed to be quieter, and more reclusive, and knew that I struggled with mental illness, that I actually decided to look at my situation honestly.
This morning I was struck with the sudden urge to call my doctor's office, and see if I could get in for an appointment. Seizing on the energy before it slipped away, I got an appointment that someone had JUST called to cancel because of a family emergency, and I packed my kids into the car, drove there right away (it's only a 5 minute drive), and walked out of there a few minutes later, my doctor and I both happy with the decision we made to get me back on track. Both of us were proud of me for my ability to be brave enough to look my mental state in the face, and assess it honestly, and actually DO something about it.
When I came home, prescription bottle in hand, I did three very important things for myself. First, I put the kettle on to make tea. Secondly, I took the first dose of my medication. And third, I started shuffling some cards for a daily reading for myself. I decided to go gentle with myself, so I reached for the Animal Wisdom Tarot, and the Awakened Soul Oracle. The cards affirmed that I had made the right decision that morning. I was having a very difficult time in the last few months balancing the different aspects of my life, especially my mood. If I looked at the situation honestly, I had the ability to deal with it effectively. I have, in making self-care a priority and seeing myself as deserving of this nurturing, started to walk a path of healing and recovery. I know that in time, I will get back that spark for life that has so often defined me as a person. A lot of people have remarked over the years that I never seem to run out of things to do with my time, and that is certainly true. But when I'm fighting depression and anxiety, my days are largely spent being lethargic, under motivated, and piling heaps of guilt and self-loathing onto myself. The Nurturer of Branches is who I'm working towards being again.
It's never easy to be honest with yourself when it comes to deep personal issues like depression and anxiety, but I hope that in being honest and vulnerable with all of you, that I've inspired some of you to take better care of yourself on all levels.
Love and bright blessings always, Jess.