Battling another wave of depression.

If you've been a watcher of my videos and followed me for a time, then you are most likely aware that depression has been a dark visitor in my past, not just once or twice, but several times. I'm no stranger to that ominous feeling of the blues creeping in, slowly but surely setting in and getting worse, until I'm at the point of not wanting to get out of bed any more, lethargy, and lack of desire or motivation to do anything but channel surf, walk aimlessly about my house, and stare outside of windows, cursing anyone I see walking by who seems even mildly chipper. And I've discovered that it's happening, once again.

Pregnancy is always a time of crazy hormones, confused bundles of feelings, and strange and wonderful things happening to your body, and for a lot of people with a history of mental illness, even mild history, it can trigger a descent into depression. It happened post-partum for me last time, but this time it seems to be happening right in the middle of things. I can't say I'm surprised, with all that's been happening lately with the pregnancy itself, I've had a lot of highs and a lot of lows, but still, it feels for me like "Really, again? I thought we already dealt with this..."

This time, however, I do know what's causing it. Often a descent into unhappiness will happen after something innocuous, innocent, and it will take me months to figure out what triggered it this time, so I can try to learn from it and prevent it from happening again in the future. But this time, no, I can pinpoint it exactly, and truth to be told, I can't exactly excuse myself from the blame, I am totally doing some of this intentionally, and I'm hoping that in sharing this rather personal post today, that I may not only be able to help myself a bit better, but also give hope and support to others who may be going through similar things.

You see, I haven't spoken to my best friend in a month and a half. In fact, she hasn't sent me a single text message asking how I'm doing, how the baby is doing, or even to say hi. This is the longest I've gone without speaking to her in a very long time, and a big part of me is mad at her, because I know from her Facebook feed that she has been spending a lot of time with other friends and family, but she hasn't spared a moment for me, despite all the scary things I've been going through. Now, as you are probably aware, to not be speaking to someone means that both people have to actively, or in this case, produce a lack of activity, to participate, and you would be correct. Every time I think about picking up my own phone to send her a text message, I feel the anger rising up inside of me at how long it's been, and that she hasn't said anything, and I put the phone back down, text message not sent, if I even got as far as beginning to type it. And you might say that yes indeed, it's as much my fault as hers.

I'm not going to argue blame right now. I know how much is "my fault" and how much "is hers" and really, the figures mean nothing. Ultimately, what really matters at the end of the day, is how this is all making me feel, and affecting me. I don't trust myself to send a message to her right now, because I know that if I did, it would be so angry and rude, that I would probably end the friendship. What really hurts for me right now is the realization of this statement: She might be my best friend, but I know that I'm not necessarily her best friend. Bam. There it is, below the belt, and totally cut me to the bone.

While she has friends all over this city and spread across them in neighboring ones, just waiting for her to swoop in for a visit, most of my friends are limited to the local area, and often have lives that are very busy, and super full. One of my friends, for instance, who I haven't been able to see in months, has three children, one who is autistic, and a lot going on in her personal life, not to mention she babysits a lot for other people as well. I'm sure at the end of the day she is wiped, and despite trying to get together from time to time, our schedules just do not often match up. That, I totally get. We still talk, it doesn't make me feel forgotten about or neglected, or the friendship abandoned. When you have a lot on your plate, you have a lot on your plate. But with the best friend? I don't know how to explain in... it just hurts.

The most difficult thing for me during this very long stint of bed rest has been getting accustomed to the fact that I will for the most part, only likely see and socialize with my immediate family, and the family members, like my mother and mother in law who help me out with my son Andrew on a regular basis. I still need extra time to rest during the day, undisturbed, so someone either takes him for a few hours in the afternoon, or comes over to let me lay down, on the days when my husband works. It's a huge help to me physically, but there's only so much conversation you can have with your mother, who you see five days a week, before really, you feel the staleness growing... Finding the comfort and love for myself within myself, and not trying to get it from other people has been a big task. It's definitely a concept I've struggled with my entire life, and so the fact that I've really needed to find it deep within myself right now is not making it any easier, but for the first time in ages, I actually feel like I'm treading water when it comes to my depression.

Some days I feel like I'm losing the battle, and others are surprisingly easy, but having some things to do to keep me distracted have helped. I've been working my way through Tarot 101, and I've had my Sims 3 computer game to serve as a distraction device for my mind too. But it's hard to supplement that human interaction that I know could help me float a lot easier when there is almost no one to get it from. What I think will really help is this Sunday, the 17th, we are going up to my family cabins in the interior of BC, to spend a whole week. While I won't be able to spend my time hiking the hills, walking in the peaceful conifer forest the way I usually do, I will be able to walk the property, meditate by the creek that runs through it, journal or read on the garden swing, and visit with little-seen family members and hopefully, take in enough still, calm, fresh and quiet mountain air to help me and my spirits bounce back. I will have no television, computers, or internet there to put me in touch with anyone though, so I will be taking a short holiday from Facebook, the shop, and YouTube.

I hope that in discussion some of my struggles with this terrible mental illness that it has in some way, helped or touched some of my readers, and please, don't hesitate to reach out and comment or email me if you feel called to. The one thing that this illness thrives on is silence, and we can't keep putting fuel on the fire if we hope to extinguish it. I wish you all many blessings and love galore on your own path, and in ovecoming your own obstacles.


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