This past week I purchased for myself the Osho Zen Tarot set, one I've had my eye on for quite some time, and I am quite glad that I did. I've only had it a few days now, but already I'm impressed with how deep this deck is, and how quickly just one word on a card can cut to the heart of the matter.
Take today, for example. I didn't intend to use my personal draw for the weekly tarot reading, but something about it just felt right. Kelly-Ann from The Four Queens has been talking a lot about self-love lately with her Self-Love September campaign, and, since it's been a topic I have struggled with so much throughout the course of my life, the idea has been pushing a lot of buttons internally. It hasn't helped that this month I got my first official piece of "hate-mail" from a stranger, and that I spent the first 11 days of the month in a panic because my doctor saw something "growing" on my placenta in ultrasound, and needed me to go back to have it diagnosed - which, by the way, turned out totally fine, baby and I are both very, very safe.
But I must admit, this period that I have had to spend on bed rest (of which I've finally been lifted from, YAY!) has had me questioning things a lot. It's shown who my true friends are - mainly, the ones who actually showed and expressed concern for me beyond the usual lip service we give people we know, and I have had to make a couple of hard decisions about whether or not to keep certain people in my life - people who I really thought cared for me and held me in their heart. Basically, as I was shuffling this morning, it had me question whether or not that many people even cared or noticed my own existence.
I think we've all been there... going through a tough time, and the world for you seems to be turning very, very slowly. Meanwhile, all these people just carry on in their own lives like nothing is the matter with you. When those people are your friends or family, it really can make you feel like your existence on this planet is going mostly unnoticed. Today I struggled with the thoughts about whether or not my business is going mostly unnoticed, basically because it's the biggest dry-spell of clients I've had since I originally opened my online doors.
I've spent a lot of time today debating whether or not I should close my Etsy shop, or keep it open, and whether either action would be an authentic expression of self-love, or just caving in to my inner critic's talk of "See, told you you couldn't do it!" Obviously, when you run a business, a healthy dose of knowing when to stick with something, or to cut your losses and walk away is a good thing, but when our inner critics are being very vocal it can make it hard to know which is the right choice.
For anyone who might now officially be worried that I'm closing my doors, please breathe. I've told my inner critic to fuck off, and that my existence here DOES matter. At least, for the time being. I'm giving myself, and my business, a second chance at life with the revamp that I did, and it may take awhile for the right people that it resonates with to come around and get interested. Is that any reason to close shop if I don't see any action for roughly 45 days? No. But if I don't see anything by say, the new year? Yeah, that might be a good time to put it to bed.
I think September will be an emotional month for me, a month of hard-knocks even. I've had to say goodbye to who I thought was my best friend (and ps, she hasn't even noticed yet), and the fact that I am no longer on bed rest means that I actually need to go out and face the world again. Self-love September is exactly what I need, because it is something I will definitely struggle with for the next 16 days, as I learn where I stand in the world again.